Walking 'The Listening Path': Listen well and grow deeper, richer relationships

When my daughter Amy was six years old she shared some of her wisdom with me: "Mum, she said, "did you know we are all connected, deep underground. Even people in different parts of the world with different coloured skin, are connected way underground at the roots." I felt her wisdom as truth in the deepest part of me. 
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Today, far from the innocence and wisdom of her early years, I see her truth mirrored in so many aspects of life - this desire to fight for and feel connected, feel heard. Even at work in my recently retired corporate role - community engagement - the thing I recall most strongly is the frustration, anger, even despair, from people whose lives were changed, impacted or threatened by government or companies who just wouldn't listen. The issues and challenges were different, but at the core people just want to be heard, listened to.  

Half-listening in relationships

Fundamentally, we all understand that the people we love, work with, spend time with want to  be heard. We know this because we know what if feels like to be fully heard by others. But when life's super busy, listening well can be challenging, because to listen more deeply you have to slow down. What I tended to do until fairly recently, was to half-listen to Guy (my partner) or Amy (my daughter), often still walking around the house doing things while giving them a slice of my attention.

​On the phone to my elder daughter, I'd often clean, sort or move around while half-listening. Sometimes when I call my mother, I can hear her clanging in the kitchen as we speak, or calling out to someone and giving orders. It's a bit distracting and I feel myself holding back on sharing stories. Yet, here I am doing the same to my kids, doing what my mum does (and said I'd never do #@%$). 

My experience of being deeply heard in my life, and listening deeply to others, has been limited to situations when tensions and emotions are high. In a job interview the panel members hang on every word, watch you like a hawk. When you're distressed and crying, there's comfort from a friend who, usually chatty, grows quiet and still to hear and hold your pain. When there's a secret to be shared or a burden to unload, with a psychologist, in relationship counselling, in confessional or during a breakup, the listening deepens. 
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I recently came to realise that all this half-listening in my relationships, including at work, wasn't benefiting me or the other. Half listening to instructions for a task means the job will probably be half done. Half listening to my daughter won't allow her heart to open, her emotions to release, us to truly connect. If I'm only half-listening to my partner half the time, I shouldn't be surprised if our relationship doesn't feel whole, rich and fulfilling. 

Listening well changes everything

According to Julia Cameron, author of The Listening Path - the Creative Art of Attention', "Listening with our heart, rather than out intellect, we are able to capture our partner's truth. Listening with our heart, we practice empathy, the secret ingredient to true understanding." She insists listening is a two way street,  (I'm thinking of 6 year old Amy's deep root connection here), that when we listen closely and invite listening in return, "...our contact with others becomes deeper, less superficial. We become more authentically ourselves, and others often do likewise."
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My own recent experience is testament to this. Listening to my daughters and partner without moving about, shifting and sorting things, takes patience and stillness, but the richness is deep and true. Staying in the room and the conversation until all feel heard, felt, complete, is not always easy, not always possible, but it's a beautiful aspiration. I'm noticing both my daughters open up and share more and assert their independence, telling me quite clearly when they no longer need me in the room or my opinion. I can feel a shift in their confidence and I give less advice and direction and let them talk out their own emotions, their own solutions and direction. It's new for me...but better, richer and deeply worthwhile.

My partner Guy talks fast, thinks fast, and sometimes ends up three steps ahead of me in thought and emotion. We can laugh about it now, but for a long time we were in such different places within conversation that the connection just wasn't there. What was it that slowed him down and brought us back to a place of powerful connection? Listening. We're both getting better at listening for nuance, listening to the emotion and the need beneath the words and actions. And in those moments when we realise we're not listening well, because we're too busy, too distracted or too heated, we agree to leave the conversation to listen to ourselves and what we need, and return to a listening place a little later. 

Listening with Loving Intention

Listening well does take practice, willingness and consciousness. You need to be willing to show up in the conversation, no matter how challenging. When I listen well, I can often hear and feel my own reactions because I am listening with my whole self to the other, not just one ear. This raises consciousness and gives me a greater chance of stopping myself from jumping in early with a solution, joke or advice, derailing the communication and breaking the flow in the connection.

One of the things I enjoy most about practicing listening is, once I make a choice to do so, I have to slow down in order to become present. You can't fully listen without slowing down and being fully present. Presence is so powerful and potentially transformative in relationships. Once present, not distracted or worrying about what's been before or what's coming next, there is room for deep connection and profound shifts in understanding, clarity, deep truth. I am passionate about Present Moment Living and frequently write about it, including these blog posts: 

10 Signs of NOT living in the Present Moment and 3 Ways to Come Back + 
Life's richest in the Present moment - there lies Freedom and Power

Sometimes it helps to plant yourself an Intention, even a loving one, when you are about to listen to someone. Perhaps you're listening to your partner of child or friend talk and you can sense they are anxious or worried. Rather than trying to fix or solve, you could set yourself the intention of simply being present and open, allowing them to 'talk out' what's worrying them, letting them sit with the silence between you rather than filling the air, letting them know with your body language, your eyes, you are here with them in this moment.

Be quick to Forgive Yourself and Others

When two people listen well to each other, beautiful things are possible. But, life gets busy, people get tired and cranky. There are times well even partial listening, half-listening, is difficult. When you react strongly, lash out, swear or dismiss someone who asks for your listening ear because you're tired, exhausted, with nothing left to give, listen well to your dear tired self and speak from there. 

​Speak as gently as you can to yourself and the other. Be honest with yourself and the other. Give yourself the space and time you need to restore yourself. Then you can be fully present for others. If and when you can, tell them you will be available for them soon, and need to rest so you can give them your full attention. 

Forgive yourself for swearing, dismissing, reacting from your place of exhaustion. The quicker you forgive yourself and others, the sooner you'll come back to your beautiful centre. Deep listening is a practice we can all Cultivate, as is being gentle with ourselves and others. For when we listen, truly listen, we are Cultivating deeper relationships and giving others permission to grow and bloom in their authenticity and truth.